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This morning, while trying to come up with a suitable subject for this week’s column, I began reading the 42 unread e-mails that have accumulated in my inbox over the weekend.
I’ve noticed over the years that a lot of these e-mails are cyclical. They show up about once a year when the subject matter in them becomes relevant. That’s okay. Most of the time I’ve forgotten what they were about since it’s been a while since I’ve read them, so I guess you might say that most e-mail humor is recyclable.
A few of them are new though and usually reflect the mood of the general population. For instance: I recently received one that was titled, “The IRS Sent My Tax Return Back.”
It seems that under the heading “List All Dependents” on his 1040 form this guy entered the following: 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 2 million prison inmates in 243 prisons and 535 fools in Congress.
It must be election year!
For some reason I seem to get more and more e-mails about growing older. I suspect that some of my e-mail friends take great pleasure in reminding me of this fact; as if I need a reminder. My knee already does a pretty good job of that!
I’ve already received most of these e-mails from them numerous times but I guess they figure that these half-jokes/half-truths bear repeating. It could also mean that some of my friends are in the first stages of “old-timers” disease and can’t remember whether or not they’ve already sent them to me.
I did receive a new one the other day that was a good one. (Some of them can’t be repeated here.)
This one’s about a lady on a cruise ship who goes up to the bar and asks the bartender to pour her a shot of Scotch with two drops of water. She proceeds to tell him that she came on this cruise to celebrate her 80th birthday, which just happens to be today. The bartender tells her that since it’s her birthday, the drink is on the house.
After downing the drink, she asks the bartender for another one, repeating her request for a shot of Scotch with two drops of water.
Overhearing the conversation a gentleman on her right tells the lady “Since it’s your birthday, I’d like to buy you another drink.”
Thanking him, once again she requests another shot of Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender sets the third drink down for the lady, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, “Ma’am, why do you order Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The lady tells him, “Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor but holding your water is a whole other issue!”
Another one I’ve gotten a thousand times that always manages to bring a smile to my face each time I read it: Old is when “getting a little action” means that your Metamucil is finally working.
How about this one? Old is when an “all-nighter” means that you didn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom.
As I’m reading down over some of these, I’m sitting here laughing like crazy; I’d get in big trouble if I repeated some of these. The bad part is: those are the ones I remember the longest.
One of my favorite e-mails is the top-ten list of the Annual Darwin Awards.
The Darwin Awards are given out each year to the poor souls who died while doing something so stupid that people laugh all the way through their funerals. I have no doubt but that I will probably receive one of these awards someday; posthumously, of course.
The gentleman who took eighth place in the 2011 Darwin Awards was a Detroit resident who got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide storm grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.
Does that sound like something stupid you’ve done a time or two?
Here’s one more Darwin Award story to brighten your week.
Honorable mention goes to Paul Stiller, age 47, and his wife Bonnie who were bored one night and decided to take a ride. While driving around, Paul had the bright idea to light a stick of dynamite and throw it out the window just to see what would happen. Unfortunately, Bonnie forgot to roll down the window.
You can’t make these things up!
If you’ve received some of these e-mails and unknowingly deleted them, be patient, they’ll soon be making another appearance on your computer someday soon.
After reading them and having a good laugh, don’t forget to send them on to your e-mail buddies. Then you too, can brag to everyone that you now recycle.
Hey! It could happen!
This morning, while trying to come up with a suitable subject for this week’s column, I began reading the 42 unread e-mails that have accumulated in my inbox over the weekend.
I’ve noticed over the years that a lot of these e-mails are cyclical. They show up about once a year when the subject matter in them becomes relevant. That’s okay. Most of the time I’ve forgotten what they were about since it’s been a while since I’ve read them, so I guess you might say that most e-mail humor is recyclable.
A few of them are new though and usually reflect the mood of the general population. For instance: I recently received one that was titled, “The IRS Sent My Tax Return Back.”
It seems that under the heading “List All Dependents” on his 1040 form this guy entered the following: 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 2 million prison inmates in 243 prisons and 535 fools in Congress.
It must be election year!
For some reason I seem to get more and more e-mails about growing older. I suspect that some of my e-mail friends take great pleasure in reminding me of this fact; as if I need a reminder. My knee already does a pretty good job of that!
I’ve already received most of these e-mails from them numerous times but I guess they figure that these half-jokes/half-truths bear repeating. It could also mean that some of my friends are in the first stages of “old-timers” disease and can’t remember whether or not they’ve already sent them to me.
I did receive a new one the other day that was a good one. (Some of them can’t be repeated here.)
This one’s about a lady on a cruise ship who goes up to the bar and asks the bartender to pour her a shot of Scotch with two drops of water. She proceeds to tell him that she came on this cruise to celebrate her 80th birthday, which just happens to be today. The bartender tells her that since it’s her birthday, the drink is on the house.
After downing the drink, she asks the bartender for another one, repeating her request for a shot of Scotch with two drops of water.
Overhearing the conversation a gentleman on her right tells the lady “Since it’s your birthday, I’d like to buy you another drink.”
Thanking him, once again she requests another shot of Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender sets the third drink down for the lady, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, “Ma’am, why do you order Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The lady tells him, “Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor but holding your water is a whole other issue!”
Another one I’ve gotten a thousand times that always manages to bring a smile to my face each time I read it: Old is when “getting a little action” means that your Metamucil is finally working.
How about this one? Old is when an “all-nighter” means that you didn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom.
As I’m reading down over some of these, I’m sitting here laughing like crazy; I’d get in big trouble if I repeated some of these. The bad part is: those are the ones I remember the longest.
One of my favorite e-mails is the top-ten list of the Annual Darwin Awards.
The Darwin Awards are given out each year to the poor souls who died while doing something so stupid that people laugh all the way through their funerals. I have no doubt but that I will probably receive one of these awards someday; posthumously, of course.
The gentleman who took eighth place in the 2011 Darwin Awards was a Detroit resident who got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide storm grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.
Does that sound like something stupid you’ve done a time or two?
Here’s one more Darwin Award story to brighten your week.
Honorable mention goes to Paul Stiller, age 47, and his wife Bonnie who were bored one night and decided to take a ride. While driving around, Paul had the bright idea to light a stick of dynamite and throw it out the window just to see what would happen. Unfortunately, Bonnie forgot to roll down the window.
You can’t make these things up!
If you’ve received some of these e-mails and unknowingly deleted them, be patient, they’ll soon be making another appearance on your computer someday soon.
After reading them and having a good laugh, don’t forget to send them on to your e-mail buddies. Then you too, can brag to everyone that you now recycle.
Hey! It could happen!
